Day 43: why is God punishing me?

Last night, I awoke again at 3.30 am but for no reason and frustratingly could not get back to sleep for 2 hours. I keep thinking I hear Dad falling!

After the carer left this morning, Dad complained that he didn't like her. She was too rough and too rushed, he said. He felt unsafe. He wanted me to call the council to get her changed. I didn't know what to do. As my husband put it, "I don't think the basis of free healthcare is whether or not you get along with that person."

In the end though I did call the council and they were quite happy to change the carer for next week. Let's see what happens.

Later, two physios came. They were very good, especially physio J who listened carefully to what dad had to say and (very important this) spoke extremely clearly for him. Regarding dad's swollen hand, she said she sees it often in stroke patients and not much can be done. It's caused by the inactivity of the hand, of the muscles. Massage helps, but the best thing is to keep the arm or hand up (like in a sling) and try to use it as much as possible. If possible.

She gave my dad some exercises to practise, to stretch the arm muscles and promote some use in the hand. A lack of muscle usage could lead to them constricting and once constricted - well she seemed to be saying they don't go back. Scary.

The reason the physios were here was to actually run a series of tests on dad to see what he was or was not capable of and which areas to work on. His left side has a tendency to collapse, for which the right side compensates greatly. Of course the best is to try to get as much balance as possible.

I made lunch under dad's tuition, but his tastebuds failed him again. This happened again at dinnertime and he fell into a lacklustre mood. He asks, "Why is God torturing me?" and gets depressed. I know that this is partly a sympton of stroke, but I also feel that in many ways, dad is incredibly lucky. When I think about some of the other stroke patients in the hospital who can't eat or drink, who can't speak or see, who are incontinent... there's a lot I wish dad was more thankful for. I wish I could lend a more sympathetic ear to dad.